The time has come to take a great leap forward 大跃进 . I cannot leave all HR innovation to the German and Austrian HR ladies.

Austria and Germany based HR ladies are not the only innovators

The beauty of working for an American company is that you end up focusing on strategic issues, like abortion, and who uses which toilet.

(In Canada HR deals with language issues and in Denmark, with fishing rights and immigration.)

In line with my core values of cheap publicity and being au courant (which is a French term), our Q3 strategic plan calls for aligning our toilets with diversity.

Before making my strategic decision on the six types of toilets, I read social media, read a few North Carolina/Mississippi based newspapers, consulted with the white straight boy Hugh White who runs our Diversity Program, and used my common sense.

My common sense (augmented by big data) has made me who I am today, from an HR perspective.  The six types of toilets are as follows-

1-For men (of all colour)

2-For women (of most colours)

3-For the chairman of the board (golden seat)

4-For people who crap whilst talking on their cellphone. (Crap was a word my Dad used.)

5-For Stan, our CEO

6-For HR business partners

People who read this blog know that I am a traditional girl, a process HR gal, as it were. But the time has come to take a great leap forward 大跃进 . I cannot leave all HR innovation to the German and Austrian HR ladies.

To be honest, although I miss my Dad Pierre Elliot, were he alive today he would have told me "you are out of your fucking mind, Gloria".

God Bless Mississippi

Intra-psychic organizational structures

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, came into my office smoking a Cuban cigar, in line with his core values of ignoring HR procedures. Unfortunately, I was lying on my back resting my lumbar area as I do every 4 hours  and I felt quite embarrassed.  Comrade Carl , always a humanist, told me not to feel inconvenienced  as he sat on the floor next to me. He reeked of brandy, and I saw a pack of Cipralex (ten mg) in his pocket.

"Gloria, I have introduced a multi four-dimensional matrix into my big data and IoT departments. Each nerd now reports into 3 managers vertically, horizontally, diagonally. The fourth dimension is reporting into me, because in a mess like this, I can blame everyone and make all the decisions all by myself. Kibinimat, it works wonders. You should try it yourself. Even Herr Krebbs (the uber CFO) will implement the matrix, if he ever figures out what it is".

I slowly got to my feet and saw that I had 343 unread messages on my Whatsapp messenger, some of them work related. Carl snatched my phone and said, "Christ Gloria, listen to me; you are addicted to your phone. You need digital detox".

Instead of delivering a kick box to Comrade Carl, I told him what I think of the matrix.

1-The matrix structure needs to be supported with an agile mindset, which sounds so smart.

2-It is best that all people in matrix speak one language, and I not referring to Russian.

3-A leader who tinkers with a structure too often  is wasting time and energy, from an HR perspective. (I had read about this in a blog.) 

4-Soon, in the gig economy, everyone will report into himself, or herself, and organizational structures will be intra-psychic. This is one of  smartest sentences I have ever written.

Comrade Carl took out a Cipralex and offered me one. "Gloria, you are the first lady of HR".

псих

Åbning kommentarer of my key note address-Core and Apps in HR

Om hundred 'aar er alting glemt

Had it not been for the fact that I do not speak Danish, I would have been invited to be the key note speaker at a conference vis a vis (French) the future of HR, which is being held in Copenhagen, which happens to be in Denmark.

So very little has been written on the future of HR that I do not know where to begin, so as my late Dad Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom always advised me, I will start at the beginning; this is in line with my core value of being a trail blazer. 

This is what I had to say, had I been awarded the opportunity.

The "HR" title will remain "HR". 
True, HR used to be called Manpower, but England used to be an Imperial Power, and what does one thing have to do with another?  
The current value proposition of HR is so high, that no one in their right mind in the English speaking work would tinker with the HR "nomenclature". Om hundred 'aar er alting glemt.

The essence of HR is divided into core and application.

The core consists of process policing, hiring, firing, cost effective compensation, gossiping and sloganeering.

The applications include data mining, analytics, big data, people,robots, flags, immigration, visas, passport safekeeping, flexible ethics,  and promoting democracy in the Middle East.

The three most critical skills of agile HR business partnership are: feigning business acumen , partnership via boot-licking and operating People Day on a quarterly basis.

The global nature of HR manifests itself as promoter of the English language universal values such as women’s equality, openness and bringing more men into HR.

It is so very hard for me to suggest reading material on the future of HR, but I would ask that you all  consider reading English language web based articles, posted a Canadian gal who made it big, as it were, aka the First Lady of HR. 

Inconspicuous Leadership

My niqab made me inconspicuous

In our monthly organizational survey, HR was surprisingly not rated the most popular function in our company.  

At the end of the survey, there is a space for "other comments". Several nerds used the word “bitch” referring to HR leadership. I am sure they were not referring to the straight white  boy who runs Diversity, Hugh White. An eventual replacement for Hugh may be necessary. Ms Axe however must be retained.

A few (hundred) nerds used other terminology to describe HR. I shan't go into details, in line with my core values of avoiding too  much information.

To quickly implement corrective action after the survey, two activities were carried out: 

     1- We shall deport by plane 3 nerds back to their native homelands, albeit that there are no airports in these countries.

      2- I shall act on the findings of my recent inconspicuous tour of our big data department.

Oh heavens, I forgot to tell you about that tour! Just as the survey was carried out, when it was rumored that HR’s ranking would be non-wow, I took an inconspicuous tour among our nerds to encourage them to rank HR "appropriately".

In order that they not recognize me, I donned a niqab, brought in a plate of spicy food, and held a left wing, secular, liberal Hebrew newspaper in my hand. Nothing can be more inconspicuous than that, if you ask me. 

In one corner sat Vlad, Vlad, Vlad, Natalie, Natalie and one Svet. They were referring to HR as a bunch of politruks who need to be “dealt with and disposed of, kibinimat”.

In another corner, Moshe, Moshe, Igor, Moshe, Sanjay, Sanjay, Sanjay and Moshe argued among themselves how bad HR really was. They were in fierce disagreement, and yet Moshe  said that Miss Axe was ‘well put together”, which I found as tasteless, if you ask me. No one refers to me like that.

In the third corner sat Lisl and Helmut from Germany, who were analyzing all the data, trying to figure out whether to rank HR as “very bad”, or “even worse”. I think Helmut is a strange name, unless a motorcycle is involved.

Our one English speaking nerd, Mike, was too busy working on an algorithm to rank HR. “Fuck the survey, it’s useless", he said. "Warm data is the new God". 

As I crept out of the room, I decided that I need to commission a leadership webinar on “The downside of the Gig Economy`, which I will pipe into the nerds' toilet facilities. 

That should change survey results next time.