Procurement guidelines based on Internet of Things

If you ask me, I say oui

"Of course, Stan" is how I replied to the text my CEO sent me which read, "Gloria, can you drive down the costs of procurement similar to what you did for labour costs'?

A few seconds after I answered Stan's text, I convened a meeting of the procurement staff in the "Joseph Stalin Meeting Room", located in The Internet of Things Dept.  On the walls of the room hung pictures of great leaders such as our own chief IoT nerd Comrade Carl Marks. There was also a picture of a Viking Ship, in the waters of the beloved Faroe Islands.

After a brief consultation during which I pretended to listen to the frightened procurement agents in line with my key values of "people skills", I showed a chart which was chock a block with big data. No one understood the chart, nor did I, but wow, did I look impressive, from an HR perspective.

Then I laid down four  new procurement  guidelines, effective immediately.

1) The entire procurement process is to be completed before work is scoped.

2) Negotiations are to take place using a voice menu automated robot.

3) When a vendor wants to speak with a live agent or get paid,  the vendor is blacklisted for a year, and Hugh White from Diversity says "blacklist" is not diversity friendly. 

4) Payments to vendors to be  made in Greek drachma, to be issued in 2018.

Then I explained that "in line with our core values,  procurement needs to be an engaging process, and we need to see our vendors as long term strategic partners." (At the same time, I noted that no vendor should hold us by our "you know what").

Comrade Carl Marks, who sat in on this meeting sent me a text, "Christ Ramsbottom, you ARE good. Why are you in HR?"

I had no time to answer Comrade Carl, since I am heading to the Faroe Islands.

Who's who in the Gloria Blog-updated

This blog has been read by 250,000 people in its two and a half years existence.  Many of the readers of this blog are not native English speakers! Mais non!

Readers come from "as far away as" India, Russia, China, Faroe Islands, Austria, Germany, UAR, Saudi Arabia, Israel, Canada, France and even London, which is in England.

The author claims that the blog is not all that removed from the reality he encounters, although this may be a stretch of the imagination. 

Before we start, Lemieux means "the best" in French. And Hugh White's hue is white. Now let's start.

The first lady of HR

Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux is VP HR of Immature Products.  Gloria studied to be a secretary, then a buyer, and then “naturally,” she moved into the HR space. 

No one really knew about Gloria until two years ago, yet today it is widely recognized (even in Denmark) that she is the First Lady of HR. She is also a coach and change manager. She earns $150,000 net, yet "money can almost never buy my loyalty".

Gloria admits however that pregnancy interferes with stretch goals and she has busted unionization "in line with my core value of survival".

Gloria grew up in Canada, the daughter of the late Pierre Elliot and Constance Ramsbottom.  She has two brothers (Frank and Earnest) as well as a sister Claire Ramsbottom de la Montagne. Gloria is the bright bulb.

Constance believes that Gloria "works in Manpower down in the States and needs to do something more creative". Constance is loosing her memory.

Gloria speaks English and French; she is acquiring a British accent to be more posh. 

Gloria's style is not overly cerebral; she is practical, brief, responsive, and sprinkles her conversation with French, in line with her core value of "global".

Nothing is known of Gloria's intimate life except that she gets one  "mental orgasm" from the term "big data", and several from "internetofthings". 

As of late, Gloria uses the term “as it were”. 

Gloria suffers from back ache due to too much Blackberry usage. Gloria reads text messages only, using BBM and Whatsapp.  

She is considering digital detox with a French vendor. 

Reverend Axe's girl

Cynthia Axe is the Head of Involuntary Early Bird Retirement. She has fired 45,000 people in her 5 years at Immature Products. She has had 15 life partners in the past 3 years. Her father is the Reverend Oliver Axe. 

Cynthia speaks English only. One sad fact needs to be added: Ms Axe has been chosen the least popular staff member for 12 straight quarters. She presently has a reputation coach. Ms Axe tried to read the Land of Green Plums, but threw it away after 2 pages.

Gloria considers Ms Axe to be white trash.

Soft on my gut

Stan the CEO has no family name. He is white, privileged , travels business class, has a high level view of the firm, loses his temper, and sleeps with Ms Axe on very rare occasions. He resents Gloria forcing him to use a Blackberry, which he calls “a piece of Canadian crap”. Stan sees HR as proof positive that if you pay someone enough and give them a seat at the table, they will tow the party line. Stan thinks that Kim Jong Un has a few leadership traits which need to be emulated. Stan wants HR to ensure everyone is nice.

Wifey is Stan’s brainy wife. She reads management articles and forwards them to Gloria, demanding action. Wifey believes that these articles can save Stan, whom she sees as a failure. Wifey’s real name is unknown, although Selma may be a possibility.  Wifey is currently reading The Land of the Green Plums, and does not understand one word, but has recommended the book to all her cronies.

K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein is Stan’s private chef. He cooks “cost effective lasagna” for Stan. However, recently Stan has suffered from hemorrhoids and Stan has asked for food which is “softer on my gut”. K Ray has slept with Ms Axe on more than one occasion. K Ray reads La Presse.

Almost semi irrelevant

Hugh White is the Head of Diversity. Like Ms Axe, he reports into Gloria. Hugh annoys everyone because of his irrelevant comments about diversity. Hugh is white as a lily and heterosexual. He is married to Comrade Ludmilla White (nee Khrushchev) and their marriage has “room for improvement”. Hugh gets beaten up from time to time.  Hugh is currently reading The Land of the Green Plums, and does not understand one word yet believes that books which make no sense have a dimension of diversity.

CCM

Internet of things and big data chief nerd (aka VP Engineering) , Comrade Carl Marks, was born and bred in the USA. No one knows where Carl got his PhD in Engineering. 

His parents were communists and sent him to USSR where he studied for 4 years. Carl speaks English with a  feigned Russian accent. Carl sprinkles his speech with Russian swear words like kibinimat, rambles, lacks focus and believes that his new product is a “pearl”, although sales are weak and customers curse him. Comrade Carl believes that HR and Sales are the source of all evil. Comrade Carl reads books about the Battle of Stalingrad.

Juliette Caesar was the Head of Sales. She quit. She had a stellar record until she attempted to sell Comrade Carl's product. She even sold books on secular liberalism in Teheran, Jerusalem and Jeddah.

Old de Villiers is an engineer  who hails from Bloemfontein and speaks some English. He sleeps during round tables. He is the cloud computing czar.

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