Talent management program

Axe to be deployed in Talent Management

False and dangerous rumors about our firm being acquired are all over the company! This is negative big data. Nevertheless- 
Stan told me we need to "start managing our talent better" so as to "drive up" our market value in the eyes of potential buyers. Here are the steps I have decided upon, in line with my core values of act first, think later.

1) Ms Axe will manage a talent management program, as well as her "other" responsibilities.

2) When/if we have "some more" revenues, we may build bench strength. We are looking for a carpenter.

3) As/if ever our company grows, we will "roll out" a succession plan.

4) We will measure talent management, hourly, daily, yearly, and then again daily.

5) People processes will be integrated into our business practices. The first process to be addressed is "post downsizing engagement of fired nerds", which we will outsource to a vendor in Turkmenistan, using a barter agreement. The vendor is learning English. We want fired nerds to have a Danish approach to life, ie happiness.

6) Performance evaluation will be enhanced based on intrinsic motivation and flexi goals, which are goals defined ex post facto.