Tuesday, 5 December 2017

Preemptive coping strategies for sexual harassment

That's not what I meant

CEO Stan called me into his office. 'Gloria, if there is any sexual harassment in our company, you'll be out on your pretty ass'. Then Stan caught himself and added, 'That's not what I meant'.

I told Stan that all preemptive measures have been taken, from an HR perspective. 'Gloria, what the hell does  'from an HR perspective mean?' I told Stan not to ask too many questions.

I am very proud of myself. Muy muy proud. If you ask me, there will never be any sexual harassment in our firm, due to the steps I have taken. By the way, there may be one exception, 31 year old Ms Cynthia Axe claims to have been tapped on the bum 33 years ago. Ms Axe has just started taking Cipralex, so I will wait for a week or so to see that she smartens up, from an HR perspective.

I am sure all my readers want to know what prophylactic steps have been taken to prevent sexual harassment. Well I shan't share all my tricks with you, yet here are just a few.

1) Work work work work work and no play. That ensures that even if people want to get the ball rolling, as it were, they can't.
2) Hire asexual nerds. This is very easy, since more nerds are more asexual than sexual, from an HR perspective.
3) Deploy a sex chat-bot to filter off any excess libido. Power the sex chat-box with a blockchain, made in Germany.

As far as looking at my legs are concerned, and at Ms Axe's front end, I have an almost zero tolerance level. 'Almost' because Dad used to say that boys will be boys.

My stems on the left

Sunday, 5 November 2017

How to deal with male employees staring at breasts

Enough is enough

The daughter of preacher Oliver Axe is Ms Cynthia Axe, who happens to be my chief down-sizer. Her formal title is the Head of Early-Bird Retirement Program. 
The aforementioned high strung, Causacian Ms Axe stormed into my office with tears in her eyes. "The AI and big-data  nerds in Comrade Carl's engineering team are looking at my breasts every time I walk by in the halls; this needs to end Gloria. If you don't put an end to it, I will litigate against the company, and you will be out on your ass. I don't have to tolerate this shit any more. This is not Hollywood, and I ain't no starlet who needs to fuck her way to the top." 
Ms Axe tends to be emotional at times.

This subject has been in the news recently. By this subject, I am not referring to Ms Axe's breasts, but rather to the issue of sexual harassment. In the British parliament, the markets of Cairo, the buses of India, Channel 10 and the cubicles of our company, this issue poses a great challenge for the average HR lady.

I am NOT however the average HR lady. I am the first lady of HR. And as such, I marched into Comrade Carl's office and demanded that corrective action be taken pronto,  immediately.
The Comrade agreed, in line with our core value of avoiding litigation at all costs. 
Comrade Carl pick up his megaphone and summoned all nerds into the 'Agile Blockchain Conference Room'.

When all the nerds were all assembled, Comrade Carl invited me to the stage. He said, "Boys, kibinimat, turn off your mobiles and blockchains and listen to me. Our first lady of HR, Miss Gloria, told me that instead of looking at your computer screens, you blokes have been looking at Cynthia Axe's knockers. This is shameful, so I have asked Gloria to address this forum to knock some sense into your stupid God damn heads. But before she talks, I warn you guys, that the next guy I see looking at Axe's front end will be fired."

As Comrade Carl handed me the mike, he whispered in my ear, "now you owe me a favor, Gloria. By the way, Gloria, you have a great set of legs".

Tabernak, what a job.

Against all forms of harassment
עילה לפיטורין

Wednesday, 1 November 2017

Our Halloween Party

Keeping abreast of Ms Axe

Tonight we all celebrated Halloween, in line with our core values of celebrating global American holidays. If you ask me, for a few minutes in time, we all became one big happy family. It was as if we all lived in Denmark.

Ms Axe dressed up as a bar-tender, which was not difficult because that's the way she dresses most days. However, she was more daring than usual. Our CEO Stan was noted keeping abreast of Ms Axe, in line with our core values of keeping abreast.

The head of our Diversity Department, Hugh White, dressed up a senior VP of HR. He spoke with a Canadian accent (noticeable in the words out, house and about) and claimed that his father's name was Pierre Elliot. Hugh's grave error of dressing in such an uppity fashion is ok on Halloween. Tomorrow (manana) will be a grim day for white, straight Hugh.

Chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks dressed up as General Fredrich Von Paulus. For heaven sake, why would anyone do that? I learnt that Von Paulus had asked for a visa to enter Stalingrad but was denied entry way back in the Korean War. Or something like that. History was not my forte; HR is my forte. Forte is a French word.

One of our half baked customer service bots dressed up as a centre of knowledge, which was so agile and sustainable.

CEO Stan dressed up as a successful executive whose chief concern is people. I thought that this was grand on his part. From an HR perspective.

I dressed up as a Spanish HR manager. I had supper at 11 pm and slept all afternoon before the party. I granted my team autonomy and then renounced it

Stan's private chef, K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein who cooks cost-effective lasagna and who has mixed ethnicity, dressed up as a Trump supporter with a red hat and fat pork belly. Comrade Carl, who had had too much to drink, lost it for a moment and knocked out two of K-Ray's front teeth. That was non wow.

Lost it
After the party, CEO Stan asked me if I had  'perhaps taken a picture of a certain Ms Cynthia Axe''.  I obliged. Stan called me 'a great business partner'

Monday, 23 October 2017

Blockchain driven HR- a case study from the 1st lady of HR

ICO was wow

Not everyone understands blockchain applications in HR, but on the other hand not everyone understands French or Latin either.
I certainly have internalized the block-chain principles; this month I inaugurated (and rolled out) our pilot blockchain program, which yielded a 600% ROI  within  two hours. ROI is short for return on investment. Read on for more details. Merci!

Our dollar based compensation was dissolved, as it were. I often say "as it were" to soften the blow. The dollar was replaced by our wow blockchain  driven performance evaluation, based on a virtual currency which HR has launched.

Here is how it works. Each manager gets access to a virtual currency with which he can award  any underling who does what he or she is told to do. Then, the underling can use this currency to purchase goods at our company canteen, which will be stocked with Scandinavian goods in due time.

Our Initial Coin Offering (ICO) was made available and  demand was outstanding. The currency features my picture with the caption "In Gloria speramus". That's Latin.

Finally, I wanted to share how we go about blockchain-enabled severance. Every time an underling gets 3 negative credits or cusses HR, he (or she) is automatically ejected from our building, with a virtual credit card with the amount that our firm virtually owes the employee. This is valid for use at our company canteen as well. For one month, except on weekends and Canada Day.

I am expecting to win an award for this, but I am willing to wait patiently for a week or so until I come into the limelight once again, due to the brilliance of this application.

Tuesday, 10 October 2017

Mental health day - my innovative approach to the role of the HR Lady

You don't need to lecture me about mental health issues. When my Dad Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom used to raise his voice at my Mom, Constance, I used to get a splitting headache. The only thing that calmed me down in these horrible moments was the thought that one day, I would become the first lady of HR.
In retrospect, which means looking backwards, I have always felt sane, but I am mindful of mental health issues.

Mindful is a great word.

Our firm ain't so firm, mentally

Today on mental health day, and in line with our core values of transparency, I want to discuss some of the mental health issues in our not so firm firm. 

1) If you ask our CEO Stan, 120% of our Sales force suffers from some sort depression. Our sales force avoids all contact with customers whilst the Head of Sales has been hiding in the toilet (stall 1 from the left) for 3 years.

2) Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, speaks with a Russian accent, although he is American. He believes that our product is a pearl and that if our customers don't like it, "they need to get their heads examined, kibinimat". Dear Carl has given Cipralex to all developers to "keep the development effort focused". Comrade Carl smokes joints in the parking lot and encourages his nerds to join him "in order to detox from debugging products which for all intents and purposes are fully functional."

3) Our CEO Stan has a narcissistic personality, if you ask me. I hope I spelt that right. He believes that the company is unworthy of his leadership and thinks we should all kiss his ass. However, since he suffers from hemorrhoids and uses Preparation H, there aren't too many volunteers.
No volunteers

4) 95% of our staff have dysthymia, especially if they speak English, have been working for us for 3 years and need to support a family.

5) The entire HR staff is constantly elated; some would say unnecessarily so. On one hand, anyone in HR should be happy that they have a job. On the other hand, what is there to be so happy about, if I do a reality check. I do reality checks on Mental Health Day, which shows I am built like a brick shit house, mentally.

I sent a Whatsapp to all staff encouraging them to use our mental health chat box, which diagnoses and treats mental illness online, without the need for yak yak therapy, whilst lying on some couch.

Tuesday, 26 September 2017

The upside of the downside

I have not posted for several weeks albeit my core value of posting every week in order to enhance my branding as the first lady of HR.

However, there was a good reason for my absence, which was felt as far away as Melbourne, which is in  Australia; I was very busy managing a major positive crisis.

Move your white ass, Gloria

Three weeks ago, our CEO Stan called me into his office to inform me that we had just lost three of our two major clients. This does not make sense from a mathematical perspective, but it does make sense from an evidence based HR perspective. 

Our CEO was as stressed as an American liberal New Yorker reading Trumps' tweets. This is what he told me:

"Gloria, I want you to put a positive spin on this. Our nerds to be aware that this is a huge opportunity, and not gossip in the crapper about managerial impotence. I want to hear more whistling in the hallways, for Christ sake, Move your white ass Gloria, or I will give you the boot."

Thinking cap

I was beside myself. I had so many ideas that my head was buzzing. Finally, after wearing my thinking cap even in my sleep, I issued the following Whatsapp to ALL. (I backed up the Whastapp message with an email and a text.)

"After our senior management decision to dismiss more than 100% of our key clients, we ladies of HR want to call to your attention that we  have 3 major wow reasons to celebrate. 
1) We can now give our Sales Team challenging stretch goals, 
2) Our product can be further developed free from client restraints, 
3) the ladies of HR will be busier than one armed paper hangers as we resize to align with external reality, from a budget perspective".

CEO Stan called me into his office and kissed me on the hand, like a Habsburg nobleman. I was a happy as a pig in shit. And yes, I got a raise.

Wednesday, 23 August 2017

Gloria Sherlock Ramsbottom and Recruitment

A wet Syrian passport

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, decided to hire 3 nerds immediately to debug the former version of our product since the new version is still 'pre embryonic'.

Ms Cynthia Axe, our chief down-sizer, suddenly found herself with tasked with hiring, which is akin to the Pope being asked to run an abortion clinic, if you get my drift.

However Ms Axe, fearful of her eroded reputation, wanted to avoid hiring mistakes and as such, each interview was taking over half an hour. Comrade Carl, under severe pressure, texted me to 'get Cynthia to move her white ass and expedite the hiring process, or I will hold your feet the fire Gloria. Don't fuck with me, Gloria.'

Comrade Carl's anger problem is managed by a series of medications, some of which missing from the chemists' shelf.

All of these events came as I was reading a  Sherlock Holmes novel as I have a date in six weeks with a detective.

I wandered down near the room where Ms Axe was interviewing and 3 candidates were awaiting their interview. Axe was running 2 hours behind time.

I went into the room where Ms Axe was preparing an excel sheet, comparing candidates. 'Axe' I exclaimed, 'hire the three candidates sitting outside. The first on the right is a refugee of the illegal ilk. He shall work in the parking lot. The one in the middle is an Israeli. He shall work with Comrade Carl's "AI-Bot Algorithm Team". The third is a jocund Dane. Hire her as well, and she will deal with customer anger issues. I imagine the names of the candidates are Said, Moshe and Maya, in that order.'

Elementary my dear Axe

Axe fell on her knees and kissed me hand. 'How did you know that Gloria? You are amazing. You appear to have the divine inspiration.'

'Elementary my dear Axe. Said has a wet Syrian passport in his pocket. Moshe is arguing with himself. Maya is happy and smiling although she is looking for a job'.

As far as their names are concerned, I guessed.

Friday, 18 August 2017

Extreme political views at the work place-a practical guide for the HR lady

Trump needs a lobotomy
Diversity Chief Hugh White, the Caucasian  straight lad who runs Diversity, sent me a Whatsapp asking me what our policy is vis a vis (French) hiring staff (humans and bots) who are affiliated with Nazi neo Fascists. "I know this question is controversial, but the rank and file are in an uproar", claimed Hugh.

Of all the stupid questions I have been asked, this is not one of the more stupid ones. After re-reading a Sherlock Holmes story, remembering the use of induction, logic and having a posh English accent, I followed the following my logic and feline instinct. Voila-my thoughts.

  • My Dad fought the Nazis and always told me they were an 'inhuman, evil lot, with a filthy ideology rotten to the core; they also reduced their own country to a pile of rubble in the end'.
  • I had a Jewish girlfriend in high school, Sharon Bernstein, and we were closer that I was with my bitchy sister Claire.
  • Stan, my boss and CEO who never speaks of politics, told me that Trump "needs to get his head examined; he needs a fucking lobotomy".
  • And finally, out chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks, has a huge sign over his desk which reads 'Nazism sleeps poorly". Next to that sign is a picture of Marshall Zuhov, who I understand, was an American general who was very dominant in the fall of Nazism.

On the other hand, I do believe in training my staff to use their limited intelligence. So I send Hugh White a Whatsapp imploring him to 'use his common sense, whilst being sensitive to the winds of change." Whatsapp is the only way to convey important information.

I know what will guide Hugh's reasoning. He knows that we are a very tolerant organization. Only the HR team and CEO Stan speak English well. Our CFO is German; Herr Krebbs does speak English but he has a very zrtrrrong accent. And we have 343 illegal immigrants who work in our parking lot and cafeteria. No one in Engineering is too white and we have 582 mother tongues registered for out 400 nerds. 

Hugh just called me and asked if we
winds of change
can hire an anti-Fascist. 'Hugh' I told him grimly, 'you will never be the EVP of HR'!

Saturday, 15 July 2017

Making HR more relevant for business needs

Good advice from Comrade Carl

Yesterday, our air-conditioning was on the blink so I headed to a cafe (which is a French word) where I get a 80% discount and the air is as cool as a Danish cucumber in summer. 

Sitting in a booth was our chief nerd, Comrade Carl Marks, and  CEO Stan, who were discussing the 'build' of my down-sizer, Ms Cynthia Axe. Stan used the term 'brick shithouse'. However as I approached, they became more politically correct, and started gawking at my legs. 

'Come join us Gloria', suggested Stan. The comrade and I are discussing how to make HR more relevant to our business needs'. Stan then excused himself for a moment or two, in line with his key value of an enlarged prostate gland. 

Carl told me that the organization as we know it is crumbling, 'just like the nation states in the middle east. Jesus Gloria, no one thinks Iraq, Syria or Libya exist anymore except on CNN and BBC'. 

'What are you getting at, my dear Comrade Carl?', I asked naively.

Stan returned from having a leak. Comrade Carl continued,
'I was just telling Gloria that HR needs to align itself along the tribal lines of our staff. We need a white tight ass English speaking HR lady for Sales, an Indian lady for our IT department who speaks 38 dialects, and there is no need for any HR in R&D. My nerds come from countries where ladies have no respect and bosses (always men) deal with HR issues at the local level. I plan to hire a secretary to do all the manual tasks of HR, and take on the high level work on my own. I love you Gloria, but you needs to develop your career in data mining or hairdressing'.

The comrade then got up and said, I'm going out to smoke a joint;  then back to work. Gloria, you are a great gal. Please pay my tab; I have 4 doughnuts and a diet pepsi.

Built like a brick shithouse

Friday, 30 June 2017

Do Germans write perfect software?

Software as an art

Our CEO Stan's ire was indescribable when a trade magazine labelled our latest software release as "shabby and tatty piecework". The author of the article called for a "shake up "of our company at the highest levels.

Stan called a management meeting this morning; he opened the meeting asking me (as his senior business partner) "how many Germans work in R&D; I've heard that they write perfect software and their UX (user experience) is better than most sexual experiences."

Before I could answer Stan (that we have only one German in our company, that being  CFO Herr Krebbs), our R&D chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks jumped into the discussion with vigour.

"Gentlemen and Gloria," he said. "if someone claims that they have never pissed in the pool, they have either never swam, or they are liars. No one writes perfect software. Not the Germans, not the Indians, not the sloppy Middle Easterners and not even the Swiss. Software is an art, and artists have style not only rigeur. Many so called bugs are indeed features". 

Stan our CEO, asked me what "riguer" meant, since I am Canadian. But Carl yelled at me "don't answer Gloria, I am in the middle of my explanation".

Stan bellowed, "Comrade Carl, I'm the one who gives the orders around here for Christ sake".

Comrade Carl retorted, "I know that Stan, but Friedrich Paulus lead the siege of Stalingrad, and where did that get him?"

We finished the meeting with an action item to celebrate Denmark Day twice a week, to lesson the tension in our senior team.

Just as we were adjourning, CFO Herr Krebbs said that whilst indeed Germans do not write perfect software, "ze company "cout (could) benefeet frrrom more discipline. Ja".