Saturday, 15 July 2017

Tight ass HR

Good advice from Comrade Carl


Yesterday, our air-conditioning was on the blink so I headed to a cafe (which is a French word) where I get a 80% discount and the air is as cool as a Danish cucumber in summer. 

Sitting in a booth was our chief nerd, Comrade Carl Marks, and  CEO Stan, who were discussing the 'build' of my down-sizer, Ms Cynthia Axe. Stan used the term 'brick shithouse'. However as I approached, they became more politically correct, and started gawking at my legs. 

'Come join us Gloria', suggested Stan. The comrade and I are discussing how to make HR more relevant to our business needs'. Stan then excused himself for a moment or two, in line with his key value of an enlarged prostate gland. 

Carl told me that the organization as we know it is crumbling, 'just like the nation states in the middle east. Jesus Gloria, no one thinks Iraq, Syria or Libya exist anymore except CNN and BBC'. 

'What are you getting at, my dear Comrade Carl?', I asked naively.

Stan returned from having a leak. Comrade Carl continued,
'I was just telling Gloria that HR needs to align itself along the tribal lines of our staff. We need a white tight ass English speaking HR lady for Sales, an Indian lady for our IT department who speaks 38 dialects, and there is no need for any HR in R&D. My nerds come from countries where ladies have no respect and bosses (always men) deal with HR issues at the local level. I plan to hire a secretary to do all the manual tasks of HR, and take on the high level work on my own. I love you Gloria, but you needs to develop your career in data mining or hairdressing'.

The comrade then got up and said, I'm going out to smoke a joint;  then back to work. Gloria, you are a great gal. Please pay my tab; I have 4 doughnuts and a diet pepsi.



Built like a brick shithouse



Friday, 30 June 2017

Do Germans write perfect software?


Software as an art

Our CEO Stan's ire was indescribable when a trade magazine labelled our latest software release as "shabby and tatty piecework". The author of the article called for a "shake up "of our company at the highest levels.

Stan called a management meeting this morning; he opened the meeting asking me (as his senior business partner) "how many Germans work in R&D; I've heard that they write perfect software and their UX (user experience) is better than most sexual experiences."

Before I could answer Stan (that we have only one German in our company, that being  CFO Herr Krebbs), our R&D chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks jumped into the discussion with vigour.

"Gentlemen and Gloria," he said. "if someone claims that they have never pissed in the pool, they have either never swam, or they are liars. No one writes perfect software. Not the Germans, not the Indians, not the sloppy Middle Easterners and not even the Swiss. Software is an art, and artists have style not only rigeur. Many so called bugs are indeed features". 

Stan our CEO, asked me what "riguer" meant, since I am Canadian. But Carl yelled at me "don't answer Gloria, I am in the middle of my explanation".

Stan bellowed, "Comrade Carl, I'm the one who gives the orders around here for Christ sake".

Comrade Carl retorted, "I know that Stan, but Friedrich Paulus lead the siege of Stalingrad, and where did that get him?"

We finished the meeting with an action item to celebrate Denmark Day twice a week, to lesson the tension in our senior team.

Just as we were adjourning, CFO Herr Krebbs said that whilst indeed Germans do not write perfect software, "ze company "cout (could) benefeet frrrom more discipline. Ja".




Wednesday, 7 June 2017

Sexual Harassment and the HR Lady


Dear old Dad

For the sake of my readers who may come from liberal democracies run by pushy women like me, I have put together my weltanschauung on the sexual harassment  issue based on input from my Dad, my boss and Comrade Carl Marks, the  chief nerd with an affinity for all things Russian. (Isn't that "w" word the cats' pyjamas! It's German!)

One's reaction to sexual harassment is heavily influenced by one's surroundings, if you ask me. And one's personal style plays a big part of how to deal with the men who hound you all day. I, for example, like to get a lot of mileage from the issues I deal with, from a power perspective. 

Dad told me from day one, "Gloria, men only want one thing; never forget that", I used to ask Dad what he meant and he would answer, "don't be a smart ass, Gloria. You know what the hell I mean". Of course I did! I may not read Descartes with my morning coffee, but I am not stupid.

At the beginning of this year, our CEO Stan called me in for a meeting "to provide you with some focus for your 2017 goals ". Stan told me that I need not "dot the I's and cross the T's, from a sexual harassment perspective." When I asked Stan what he meant, Stan told me he doesn't mind being sexually harassed by young Svetlana Grudovic (from the Bot team) and that as CEO, he wants to keep abreast of downsizer Ms Cynthia Axe.

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, told me that "sexual repression is the major enabler of poor software. We need to stop mimicking the puritan Americans and just go with the flow, kibinimat". Comrade Carl often lectures to his nerds, telling them that buying sex is cheaper than free sex, from the point of view of an economist.

Comrade Carl then added "Gloria, your legs are something else, but you are not my style. Find yourself a rich husband, or rich male bot and get the fuck out of HR."

I will present my "cut" on sexual harassment  at Oxford in my very first lecture, coming soon. I will lecture in Latin; an English translation will be provided.


Keeping abreast
                                                         

Wednesday, 31 May 2017

Lead by avoiding fake news: case study

Our product is a pearl

A scathing article appeared in a high brow online technical journal claimed that our newest product, "was released pre maturely in an embryonic stage. Users are flabbergasted by the number of useless features which appear to be totally unrelated to business needs. Luckily, 12 software engineers and 2 orderly Swiss bots have defected from the engineering team under the leadership of the bizarre Comrade Carl Marks, in order to work for clients who purchased this so called product".

Our CEO Stan had read the article at dawn; at breakfast Wifey had printed the article and told Stan to "read this before you eat your porridge". Stan lost his appetite only to come to work all the more flustered.
                          
The article was the first issue on our agenda in the senior management meeting held this morning. "What do you have to say about this, Comrade Carl? You ensured me that the product is a pearl. And what about you, Gloria? Defection is in the realm of HR, for Christ's sake. Speak up, or I will fire you both. Trump is no fool".

Comrade Carl, cool as a Danish cucumber on a dark December morning, said, "Spasiba and thank you-I only scanned the article because I avoid false news. However, let's look at cause and effect by examining the role of HR in the defection scandal. In East Germany, the Staatssicherheitsdienst ....."
Ja

CEO Stan interrupted and told Carl to "avoid using long German words".

But the Comrade continued "unabated" which is a nice word.  "In East Germany, the state police knew everything about everyone: their comings and goings, the food that they ate, their political opinions and even their sex lives. Our HR department doesn't know Jack Shit about anyone. Therefore, our ranks are more permeated with traitors than the American government by Russian spies. It's time for Gloria from HR to stop being such a liberal Canadian. We need kompromat (компромат)about our nerds, not HR data analytics."

Then Comrade Carl looked at me and said, "take it from here Baby".


I remember that my Dad Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom used to talk about spying a lot at the dinner table. Dad used to say that British intelligence is totally infiltrated by the Russians and that the East Germans have a listening device up everyone's ass. My mother used to say to Dad, "Pierre Elliot watch your tongue. You forget that our dainty young daughter is impressionable."


Impressionable














Monday, 8 May 2017

Managing clients by Rumours

Fuck the data on the dashboard, kibinimat


On May 1st, the entire engineering team including the Artificial Intelligence-Bot Group was  convened by the Chief Technologist Comrade Carl Marks for the lecture of the month. The lecture was given under the benevolent auspices of HR talent management, which is a subject under my imperial wing.

Comrade Carl invited me to join him on the podium, which I turned down because I have been busy texting my sister and mom and someone else; please no questions at this stage.

Comrade Carl opened his lecture by asking the crowd to applaud until "our beloved HR manager takes a bow", which I did in line with my core values of seeking recognition.

Comrade Carl told his people, "please turn off your phones, or at least pretend to. We need to act civilized. This is the USA, although none of you comrades have a green card".

Carl lectured about our new clients in North Korea  and Venezuela who have commissioned new products and plan to pay us by barter or by sending us cotton T shirts. Carl said that "if you read the specs the client sent us, it is not unnatural that you have some questions. However, there is no need for alarm because we are scrapping all the data driven development tools that "HR rammed up our ass" and replacing it with rumour-driven specs."

One of our more opinionated nerds, Comrade Igor Berdichenko-Itkovitz, asked "Tovarish Carl, what do you mean"?

Comrade Carl told Igor to sit down and shut up until the lecture is over and then "I will field your questions".

Carl ended up his lecture by asking developers to spread rumours to the clients that "Kim  and/or Maduro want this and that", this and that being based on our capabilities.

The nerds jumped to their feet and started to scream: "We love you Comrade Carl" and ""Death of Data" and "Gloria Go Home".

Sometimes I wish I was a torera, a hairdresser or the owner of a quiet lake by the warm and sunny sea. 









Friday, 5 May 2017

Taking up a job teaching HR at Oxford


Some snobbish readers may be surprised that I am considering take up a post at Oxford to teach for a year as a resident HR business partner. I would suspect that many Brits would think "what would Oxford ever want from that brainless twat?"  That is narrow minded, if you ask me.

Oxford, along with McGill, Swinburne and Secretary Academy of Montreal, are great schools that my Dad wanted me to attend; he applied a lot of pressure on me, When I was in grade one, my Mom Constance told my Dad, "Pierre Elliot, Gloria should be a hairdresser; not everyone needs to go to Oxford. Stop pushing  her to over-perform."

One thing led to another and as readers of this blog know, I reached the pinnacle of HR, specializing in each and every aspect of HR, zenga zenga.
And unlike Prince Philip who was born in Greece, I am not ready to retire. I feel that it's time to teach others what I know best-sloganeering, data mining, positioning, conniving, sycophancy and change management with an emphasis on execution via feigned compassion.

So, yes, Oxford, were you to finalize your generous offer, I'm on my way.
(Please pay me in any currency except British pounds; I fly premium economy and check in 6 bags).




Wednesday, 26 April 2017

Aging parents and the workplace

News about a new Canadian province

Our CEO Stan's 140  year old mother is alive and kicking. She has memory problems and she no longer speaks any English, which according to Stan, is the only language she ever knew. 
Yet Stan rarely takes time off  to visit her in accordance with our core values of work work work life balance.
Last week, I heard Stan tell his wife, " No, I won't visit Mom today; the old bitch doesn't remember anything anyway. We'll visit next Christmas."

In a round table discussion today with CEO Stan, an artificial intelligence nerd named Igor asked the following question, "We all have aging parents, as I am sure you know. What is the policy for folks who take a few hours off to do medical errands for their parents? Until now, HR has docked our pay when we step out, which seems unfair".

CEO Stan confronted me in front of the nerds. "Gloria, is that the case? Does HR have no heart? Is that why you have a company car, a parking space and health insurance?" Stan told me the question is rhetorical and promised to "rectify the situation with the ladies of HR".

After the round table, Stan called me into his office. "Jesus Christ Gloria, I am sick and tired of all this transparency. Why do pay cheques provide detail why salaries are docked? Have you become a Scandinavian liberal democrat? From now on, please use random numbers next to each article of docked pay. And send that Igor-nerd who asked me that question back to Russia".

I told Stan that the nerd in question is from the Crimea. Stan answered, "Is that up in Canada"?

His mom is 140



Monday, 10 April 2017

How do I know that I was born to be a leader?

It was clear from day one


From day one, or at least from when I remember, I knew that I was destined to be an HR business partner and leader. There were clear milestones in my life that stand out clearly as I reflect back on myself. By the way, my phone is in repairs, which I why I have time to reflect.

I will share with my readers the 3 main watershed events that led me to know that I was on the high road to leadership.

My gym teacher, Mr Bork, told me, "you are very competitive Gloria; you run faster than a bat out of hell. And in the leg department, you are number one." In those days, there was no PC. Besides, Bork was gay.

In secretarial school in Montreal, I managed to finish an essay on "who am I" within 3 minutes. My teacher, Mme Bouchard, did not like checking long essays, and she gave me a triple A and wrote on the essay, "magnifique", which means magnificent in French.

In my supply chain course in a business simulation, I drove 3 out of 5 vendors into receivership! The course coordinator, Madame Levesque,  pointed out to me that "with your attitude, you could easily be in HR, young lady".

I want to thank my dear Dad Pierre Elliot for making me into the leader that I am. He never made me sleep in the cold like they do in Denmark, I never had stomach aches since we never had supper after 6 pm like people do in Spain (like Dr Eva) , and he spared me learning German grammar, "which only Germans, Austrians or White Namibians can ever master".



Tuesday, 21 March 2017

Choose between money, engagement or meaning-one to a customer

Wane
I do agree that all over the world, democracy appears to be on the wane  as it were. I think that "on the wane" is a great term, although not au courant. (Bots and AI, for example are not yet "on the  wane". HR if not practised with lots of fresh salt free data, IS on the wane.) 

Democracy is the key to making some nerds happy some of the time. For example, why should clients set impossible delivery deadlines on their own? Why should Quality Control unilaterally determine the quality of the product? Why should an HR lady, as smart as she may be, balance between salary on one hand, as opposed to meaning or engagement on the other hand. By the way, I only have two hands.

In light of the above, and in line with my core value of delegating major choices, starting today, all new recruits will be able to choose between receiving a paltry salary, landing a job with a high level of engagement, or a role with depth and meaning.

The salary alternative is called The Gloria Plan. The engagement alternative is called the Machiavellian Plan. The meaning alternative is called the Happy Norwegian Plan.

The Happy Norwegian Plan used to be called the Danish Plan, but times change. 
















Tuesday, 14 March 2017

Can you lead if you suffer from hemorrhoids?

Crazier than a $3 bill


Last week, the Board of Directors demanded that CEO Stan  move all of our software engineering to Bangalore within a year. Very concerned about the skin on his ass, to-day Stan convened a meeting of the senior leadership team to discuss "how quickly we can fulfill the board's agile request".

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, asked to make a few opening comments "before we move into the implementation stage". 
I sent Stan a text suggesting that he not acquiesce to the Comrade's request. Throwing me to the lions Stan said, "Gloria suggested by text that I don't allow you to speak, but I am a liberal. But make it short, Comrade Carl."

The Comrade lit a joint and said, "Look here, the board members are a bunch of greedy fools. All they care about is a dime here and a nickel there. Development in Bangalore makes no sense. The trip over  is far too long, the traffic there is horrible, and I cannot smoke a joint because I could end up in jail. If the Board wants to save a few "groschen", let's close HR here in HQ, outsource it all to a call center in Tirana Albania. The Board will have its pound of flesh. True, Gloria loses her VP title and parking spot, but the gig economy for former HR directors is very inviting. Spasiba".

Stan had not been listening to Comrade Carl's speak because his hemorrhoids have flamed up. Stan said, "Interesting point Comrade Carl. Noted. Please prepare an action plan. Now Gloria, how are you going to support moving Carl's team to Bangalore, over there in India?"




Wednesday, 1 March 2017

Artificial Intelligence provides the ultimate User Experience

#AI enabled involuntarily early bird retirement


The Head of our Involuntary Early Bird Retirement Program, a certain Cynthia Axe, met with me today after I had put her off for six months. 
Ms Axe, who was chosen the most unpopular employee for 67 quarters straight, presented me with options how we could augment downsizing activities leveraging artificial  intelligence and bots, otherwise known as AI.

There is always a dilemma whenever I sent staff off for training. Ever since Ms Axe listened to the (free) webinar on Becoming a Business Partner, she has been brimming with ideas. Personally, I don't care if you brim with ideas, as long as you do what you are told.

Ms Axe told me that by providing each downsized employee with a pair of special glasses, the user experience would change for the better. "The glasses could make it appear as if they were about to receive a million dollars, instead of a kick in the ass", claimed an excited Miss Axe.

Ms Axe did not stop there. "Gloria, we can hire a few bots that can fire people in their local language. 89% of the people I fire don't understand half the time that they are losing their jobs". 
I noted that over the years, Ms Axe is becoming more compassionate.

However, when Ms Axe claimed that AI could make each downsized employee believe he (or she) is in Copenhagen where people are happy all year although they live in the dark-that's when I suggested to Ms Axe that she calms down until "you get a handle on things."

My Dad Pierre Elliot used to tell me Mom to "get a handle on things" when he noticed her raising her voice during change of life.